日常 Part 3

Aaahhh... My stomach hurts. And I feel sleepy. Which equals to me being irritated. Sheesh. So there's plans to sell the house? Heh. Annoying. If I had the money, I think I'd probably move out of the house. 

Okay. Change of topic. Just now my aunt bought some fruit I've never seen before...it's called "tampui" and I sounds like the hokkien's word for potty. Lol. It's meat is yellow and sweet but you can't really eat its meat cause its stuck with the seed. So basically you're just tasting the juice. Haha...

Before that, I had a great catching up time with wen. Aahhh... Talked about crap, guys, academics and life. Haha. It felt good. Feels like a heavy stone was taken off my heart... =') 

So I went out with the guys just now... Went for dinner and played cards. Then I rummaged through his wallet and saw something I shouldn't have seen. Or more like I did not want to see... Damn. It's like striking a needle in my heart when I saw the photo. Why do I feel that way?? Would I feel the same if it was with someone else? Maybe I feel like this because of the person he took the photo with? Not because of me? Sigh... Why do I keep making things complicated for myself? =_=

日常 Part 2.5

To think I already got ready to go out... Spoil my mood. At least I did take a photo that wasn't that bad before changing back into my "at home" clothes.

Frustrated...at so many things and at myself. Why am I not mature enough? Why am I so lazy? Why do I simply spend my money? Why do I sleep late and then regret it in the morning? Why am I not smart? Why do I hate being at home? Why do I hate being around him? Why do I even feel and think like this? Why did the slipped disk had to happen to me? Why can't I resist the temptation of food? Why did I go for operation causing me to not be able to exercise for 9months? Why did this happen when I had just decided to live a more healthier lifestyle? Why? Why?! WHY?!

I don't have the answers. Frustrated and angry and sad and annoyed by myself. All I know is anime. Sleep. Eat. Hang out with friends. People are supposed to get smarter as they grow older, become more hardworking and so on. So WHY am I in a reversed cycle? 

Really, I don't know since when did I started to dislike being at home. Being around him. I want to change but I think the key to that door has been destroyed. Not even sure if it will be able to be opened again. This is troublesome and annoying.  

Dammit. All this thinking is making me 3mo again. やぱり私はダメな人間だ！

日常 Part 2

So bored now. It's 10.09am and I'm at the shop again. Nothing to do and I'm sitting here playing games on my phone... And there isn't many customers too. 

Suddenly I thought of the things that I could be doing if I did not go for the operation (provided that I was healthy) and that somehow I've become more reliant on people other than myself. 

I've always seen myself as an independent person. If possible, I would always try to get things done without asking for others' help. It might be probably I thought that I would burden them by asking them to do things for me. I guess I believed that things done by your own effort is best. 

After the operation, I could not carry anything more than 3kg, cannot bend my back and this made me feel like I was kind of useless. All my friends also was more considerate towards me. Some of them walking slower to meet my pace, helping me to carry my things, offering to let me sit on more comfortable chairs etc. I appreciate their feelings but the fact that I was the cause of it makes me down sometimes... 

Then again, I guess that something like this lets me to be lazy (not that I wasn't lazy before) and actually rely on people for a change. I still think that this handicap is troublesome but in a way I get to have an excuse for not doing things. I get away for being "soft" because of this as I was always that tough. People who don't know would feel weird because I'm becoming like a tofu. 

It's like I cannot be more feminine because they were used to be being more macho. Even I want to be treated like a girl once in awhile. I've been trying my best to change myself into becoming more feminine but I guess habits die hard. I just don't feel like myself when I'm too girly. Plus I think my friends would die of heart attack first anyways.

I always see posts saying don't change yourself and wait for that one person who likes you for who you are to appear. But I feel that a person like this isn't gonna appear anytime soon... That's why I like to relate my life to anime. I guess it's because things can only run so smoothly in animes... Then again, I'm not exactly girlfriend material (physically and mentally) so I guess that's the main reason. Haha...

*sigh* I really hate myself for always thinking about these things but I really cannot help it. The more I try to not think about it, the more I see, hear, feel and sense things that would trigger these thinkings. It really is kind of annoying because I always feel so emo when I think about these things...okay. That's all for today I guess... Heh...

日常 Part 1

Sheesh. I think I am getting lazier by the day. Nothing productive is done besides watching anime. =_= why am I like this? I have no idea. Damn. Getting fatter by the day too. Aaahh. 

However, anime has shown me values that is important and the values are something that cannot be learnt I'm class. Why do humans ponder on trivial things when life is so short? (Ahh... But who am I to say that since I also do that?) Grudges held by parents are brought down and "inherited" by their children. Why should the hate continue? Grudges should stop at the generation that started it. Why should the children be influenced and make them hate the people that did them no wrong? It's like condemning the son of a thief for stealing even though he did not steal. It's the same principle. It's just that people don't think that much about the 1st issue because they feel that it's only natural for children to take revenge for their parents... This is such a wrong concept.

Another thing is that when we were kids, every adult would tell us that honesty is the best policy. Or that lying is bad. As I grow older, I realised that all this is just a front. Telling us not to lie when we were young and then scolding us for not lying as we grow older. All this is so contradicting! What the heck is wrong with the society today you ask? The whole foundation is sick and twisted I say. Of course, with that being said, it's a people eat people world outside of school. So basically you won't even be able to survive without being sneaky... How ironic. 

Recently, I've got a lot of things running through my head. I can almost relate anything that happens in my daily life, from what I see, hear, feel, sense or think, to the animes that I've watched. Who said that anime isn't educational? In fact anime made my brain work, thinking about things that I would not have thought of by myself. 

Of course, this includes the love life as well. Although I doubt that my love life is gonna be as smooth as what I see from the animes where the guys are good looking, polite, humorous gentlemen. Guys like those are probably extinct or if they even existed, they'd probably found their equivalent partners already. But hey, a girl can dream can't she? *Sigh* Even I would like to be swept off my feet by a guy who likes me for me, and of course I have to like this guy as well. But the main challenge for me is that I don't know how to determine if I really like this guy or if its just an urge of the moment. Goodness. I'm hopeless.... =_=

Okay. I think I've rant too much... Am at the shop while typing this.... Gosh what is that smell??? Can't find the source...I knew it! There's a dead rat!!!

Fantasies...

Ahhh... Since when did i become so lazy? It seems that recently I've become so lazy to do anything. No motivation, no energy, no enthusiasm, no drive to do anything except just lazing in bed watching anime. Gawd. No wonder I am getting fatter and fatter by the second. =_=

Anyways, I have finally followed Skip Beat! manga until the latest chapter. This manga never cease to make me stop admiring the characters especially Kyoko with her perseverance, her hidden talents and her "dumb" lucks? Haha... To top it off, she is a Capricorn! XD Maybe I should make her one of my inspiration! I like the KyoRen (Kyoko x Ren) combination too! Whats more, Ren is an Aquarius! This combination is just like a real life couple that I know! Ahhh... So sweet!

After reading the manga, it makes me excited and I actually feel like I want to try to act and look like someone that's not me but is me at the same time! Haha... Her character from switched from Mio Hongo (scary and twisted) to Natsu (charismatic but also scary and twisted) to Setsu (looks like a delinquent but at the same time, sexy, hot, daring and playfully naughty) makes it so exhilarating that I wanna try to do that! Oh my goodness.... I am beginning to fantasize again. It feels so cool to be her! But then I don't think I have what it takes...

Recently I realized that (not sure since when) I started building a barrier around myself. I try not to say anything unnecessary and blend into the background. I am not sure of the reason too! Its like I'm trying to block out my family members...it feels as if I'm like an empty shell at home! It's like I am making them ignore me... I don't know how to be that type of daughter that is able to speak freely at home anymore...maybe its because I feel that its awkward? Haih... I don't really know what to do anymore...

What am I going to do with my life? It's like I am wasting my life but I have no direction...Not even sure if taking this course was the right choice or not. Not sure what am I going to do when I graduate, not sure why I am acting like this, not sure about my love life (Not that i have any anyways...), not sure about my leadership skills, not sure about anything anymore.... It's so depressing!!! Tonight is one of those days when I just feel like I feel into a dark pit....Sooo emo! Dammit! What am I doing?! Gonna continue watching Skip Beat! anime to cheer me up!

Exhausting...

Just had my second paper today. Tired but relieved, not because I did well but because its one paper less to worry about. Read manga when I got home to release stress then slept. Only had 3 hours of sleep last night. Then I got nagged for sleeping whole day. =_=

Anyways, the reason I'm blogging is cause I just feel tired mentally from almost everything...except for my animes. LOL... Just kidding. I mean from this complicated thing called life. All these stupid and insignificant things that makes a person worry. I am so exhausted trying to waste my energy trying to explain some things that people don't even try to listen and understand after all the explanation. Instead they just deny what I'm saying by using either a louder voice or not letting me explain at all. Even when they are the ones asking for an explanation! It's like I was deemed to be wrong right from the start!

I saw this story about a monk asking his disciple why 2 people who are quarreling must raise their voices. His disciple said because they were angry. But the monk said something that really made me think. He asked the same question again. He then explained that why do they need to raise their voices when they are so close? It's not like both sides will not be able to hear what the other is saying if they did not raise their voices. The reason they are doing this is because the distance to their hearts have gotten further. That's why that shout to cover the distance. It really does make sense. I like this story. I am trying not to raise my voice whenever I'm upset but I just can't seem to control myself. I hate being like this.

I have finally found that someone other than 'R' who I can really relate with. 'J' is the reason that I think back and wonder how would I have made it this far in Uni without her help. I really really appreciate what she's done. For all the things that she's helped me with, I don't even know how to thank her. I think so far, she's the only other person who has almost the same thoughts of the explaining part. She thinks its tiring too. Ahhh....finally someone who I can share it with. And I think she will be the only person who I'll be able to talk about really anything. I think her position would even surpass 'R' because although I really open up to him, I just realised that there are somethings that even I would feel embarrassed to tell. I feel much at ease when telling 'J'. I'm just glad and thankful that I have good friends who will be there for me when I need them and even at times when I don't need them. I think they are the reason why I'm still able to move on...as a human being. Thank God!

Random thoughts...or maybe not so random...

Just felt like blogging tonight. Wasted a whole day sleeping and then not doing any work because I'm feeling lazy. I know that I might regret it tomorrow but I still don't feel motivated! Anyways... just wanted to let out what I feel about myself. I have never thought that I am pretty or beautiful or it doesn't hurt me when I get comments like I'm ugly or what not. In fact I would agree with them! I know that I am not very smart compared to all those intelligent girls all over the world. I am so incapable of doing anything these days. I don't like disappointing people but I don't think I am as reliable as I used to be anymore. I don't know why. I'm so unladylike. I talk loud and I talk too much. My face looks so serious all the time, what can I do? I was born with this face. I'm not pretty or beautiful. Not even smart. I'm fat! And getting fatter every day! Wanna lose weight but I don't have a will strong enough to do so! I'm just a stupid idiot who doesn't know what I need. I know all that. But I am still a girl. I try to laugh it off when you give snide comments like that in front of people. It may have been a joke but I think I'm just not that big of a person to not care what you said and forget about it. I always try to do that but in the end, it'll just pop up again in my mind. I don't know how to put this or to tell you because I don't want to seem like I can't take jokes. But jokes like these are sometimes too much for me to handle.

Troubled...

Been a long time since I've felt this confused about assignments. I think I've become too dependent on my friends. Every time I would be in a group where there is at least one or two friends who know a thing or two about the assignment. Now that I enrolled in a subject that none of my friends are taking this semester, I'm like a big blob who does not know what the hell I am doing. Everything is a mess. I feel like I am stuck somewhere and I don't know who to call for help anymore because my friends don't know how to help me and they have enough to worry about without me adding to their worries. I hate this feeling. It's like that hopeless feeling where you know that you're gonna fail by the end of the semester and there is nothing you can do about it. T_T Lord, give me the strength and wisdom and guide me through this mess. Amen!

First OP!!

Now... where should I start? It's been quite some time since I've blogged. I guess blogging has become my way to vent or complain and act like a stuck up princess in my own world. LOL... Tonight, however, it is to calm myself before the minor operation tomorrow. It all started with my left hip. I think I twisted it once in high school but it healed after going to see a physio. Then I got another twist in the same area because I lifted some heavy stuff. I thought "time can heal everything" but apparently it does not apply to physical injuries so I went to see a massage therapist. Did some painful things like 拔罐, (known as fireglass cupping?) and the hip pain was gone. BUT it didn't last. Come to think of it, I'm not sure if the pain REALLY went away or the pain that was inserted onto my body made me forgot the hip pain. HEH... After that, I fell down while carrying a crate of soft drinks when I was working at me mum's shop. Then my friend recommended that I go to this other "sifu" who's treated many athletes' leg, hip and other injuries. I went, it was successful but again it only lasted for 2 weeks. Did not go to see him again but gradually, I felt like the pain was getting worse so I went again. This time, the pain was quite intense that I had some trouble sleeping... Been experiencing this for awhile but I disregarded it and I went swimming, joined Aikido lesson to burn my FATS. Also went for a badminton session wif my groupies and that was when my right leg started to have this numbness and tingling sensation. My good friend told me that she had some pretty serious injury as a kid and this "sensei" helped her recover and recommended I try it. So I did. Went for a few sessions and my left leg felt much better after the 2nd session. BUT this was not the case for my right leg. The numbness continued and it got worse. Now it hurts when I am standing and even more when I am sitting down. This morning I went to see the doctor again (because he went home even though I had a 430pm appointment with him yesterday) and he said that I need to do a MRI scan so he can identify specifically what's wrong with me. He did perform a test on me by asking me to lie down on my back and then lifting up my right leg until it was almost 90 degree. The pain was so intense. He then told me that my hunch was right. My nerve is pinched by something. AND that was how I spent my whole morning at the hospital. My first time getting a MRI scan and I fell asleep during the scanning. HAHA... Thank GOD I woke up before it was done or else it would have been EMBARASSING!!! Then when the doctor saw my films, he said:"Aiyo, your bone is out of place, and the last intervertebral disk is degenerative and because the disk cracked, the inner gel like substance leaked which caused a bulge and narrows the canal for my spinal nerves." That was the reason I'm getting all those painful signals from my nerves. So the conclusion is that I need to go for a minor operation tomorrow morning... to be honest, I feel nervous and afraid of what will happen tomorrow. I guess it shouldn't be something that I should be worried about but I still am fretting about it. I really am such a brat. Small kids undergo MAJOR operations everyday and I don't see them complaining. I should SUCK it up! Be a man! Wait... I'm not a man, but whatever... Just believe that Jesus will be there to accompany me!! =) PLUS, what HE went through for all my sins is WAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY MORE painful than whatever mine is going to be! PRAISE THE LORD! WOW... I just wrote a novel about something that is so negligible. Gotta stop whining and brace myself! Gonna try to record one more song cover. =P Hope it comes out good.... TTFN!

T.I.S.

This morning was him, now it's her?! WTF. No remote to come in so I climbed the wall. Told her and I got scolded. So its my fault for not taking the remote. Last time I took it I tiok cheng! Said I didn't gao dai that I go out. So WTF did I leave the note on the table for? Said that i think im an Adult already so move out! Not that I contribute anything in this house. Fk this shit. If I knew this was gonna happen I shouldn't have did the laundry even. This thought was lingering in my mind for some time dy. Maybe it's time for me to move. Or time for me to just die. Nothing is gonna change anyways since I'm always never at home. Stay at home say I don't exercise. Go out swimming n do martial arts say I'm never at home. Just because You didn't see doesn't mean that I did not do the fking chores. It just means tht I don't like to be seen. No pocket money so I need to work la.Dammit. That's y I'm always never at home! Always said that u want something, earn yourself. And now I'm the one whos wrong? If there's a steady flow of pocket money every month, there won't be this situation. I'm fking trying to cut Ur fking expenses by trying my best not to get money from u. I'm asking too much. I'm the worst kind of my kind huh. I guess I am. Well tough luck. Probably you'd be better off giving me up for adoption. I wonder if I should just disappear. It would make everyone's life so much more easier.

憎しみ

你以为这样威胁我，我就会屈服了吗？ 从现在开始我会更加讨厌你。什么都可以讲，你偏偏要扯到没关系的人？ 要骂要打就冲着我来！ 说人家没家教，你牵连到没关系的人，根本不知道发生什么事的人，你更没家教。我觉得我们的关系永远都不会进步了。有变化也只会往坏的方面进展。就这样，是你，把距离拉得更远！

今はわかっている

今はちょっと君の感じをわかています。あの子は時々口が悪いね。むかしはそんな話はしていますけど、私何も誰にも言わなかった。とにかく、今私も君の感じをよくわかっています。 今はも寝ます。

Payphone...plans made for 2?

How I wish that I have someone that will hold my hand like in the dramas that I've watched...comfort me when I am down, hug me when he knows that a hug is all I need to brighten up my day. But then there is always that question that pops up... How do I know that I really like him or if he is the one? Wanna try to properly go out on a date and have fun but i guess the time has not come yet. Always afraid that I'm not ready but I keep on wanting someone who knows me for me. Understands me without having me to say so. God please help me to stop these feelings from overflowing. I keep having these feelings but I dont know where to direct them to. I hate this feeling!! I feel like an idiot. Help.... T_T Makes me Emo for no reason sometimes. Ugh. Am I some kind of teen who just reached puberty? I'm turning 21 soon for goodness sake and I still feel confused over this kind of stuff. Pathetic. Damn. 誰か、助けてください？

Desperate?

Love to watch all these romance animes and dramas from Japan and Korea. It makes me feel alive somehow but it also makes me feel lifeless sometimes. I keep hoping and telling myself that my prince would come one day soon but when it it gonna happen? I think I am really desperate. =X Why do I even feel this way? Because of my raging hormones? Or is it because I'm just jealous of my friends who have actually been in love or a relationship before? I don't even know how to define liking a person and I don't want something like the first time happening again . Maybe I'm destined to be alone...Sen at my work place I found that I'm not that socialiable compared to another colleague .

I want to take things slowly and let things unfold by themselves one at a time but I keep wanting everything to happen faster. I think I am really an impatient person.

Constant change

Wow... Its been so long since I've been here. Every thing has changed so much. The layout is so different, just like how my surroundings are getting more and more different. Just when I thought I do not need to express myself here anymore, somethings happen. I'm not sure who I can talk to because even I am not sure what am I confused or what I wanna talk about.

I have been very emotional lately and I don't know the reason. Lonely? I'm not sure. Angry? About what? I don't know. Sad? I have no idea why. Everything is so damn confusing. That KL incident that caused a crack in our friendships, I sometimes hoped it had never happened. One less friend I can talk to.

Today I realized that I actually am a very selfish person. I want the people around me to be mine and mine only. Most of my closest friends are leaving Kuching soon. I don't know why but I feel like crying when I heard that. We were always very busy so even when we're in Kuching, we seldom go out. But when I found out that they'll be leaving, I got this heart wrenching feeling. Maybe Im just being jealous that Im still here and not out there. I hate this feeling.

Him too. I think he found someone new. I should be happy for him I guess, but somehow I'm not and I'm not sure why. Is it because I don't really like the girl? Somewhere in me I knew this day would eventually come but I didn't think it'll be this vexing. It feels like we are drifting apart. When we were talking this afternoon, he also noticed that I didn't look at him when I talked. It was more like I couldn't. I think I was afraid that if I looked at him I might cry or something.

What the hell is wrong with me? I don't know how to tell anyone about this. The only person that I could talk to about this kind of stuff and not feel uncomfortable was him. Now...I guess that option is not avaliable anymore....