日常 Part 3

Aaahhh... My stomach hurts. And I feel sleepy. Which equals to me being irritated. Sheesh. So there's plans to sell the house? Heh. Annoying. If I had the money, I think I'd probably move out of the house. 

Okay. Change of topic. Just now my aunt bought some fruit I've never seen before...it's called "tampui" and I sounds like the hokkien's word for potty. Lol. It's meat is yellow and sweet but you can't really eat its meat cause its stuck with the seed. So basically you're just tasting the juice. Haha...

Before that, I had a great catching up time with wen. Aahhh... Talked about crap, guys, academics and life. Haha. It felt good. Feels like a heavy stone was taken off my heart... =') 

So I went out with the guys just now... Went for dinner and played cards. Then I rummaged through his wallet and saw something I shouldn't have seen. Or more like I did not want to see... Damn. It's like striking a needle in my heart when I saw the photo. Why do I feel that way?? Would I feel the same if it was with someone else? Maybe I feel like this because of the person he took the photo with? Not because of me? Sigh... Why do I keep making things complicated for myself? =_=

日常 Part 2.5

To think I already got ready to go out... Spoil my mood. At least I did take a photo that wasn't that bad before changing back into my "at home" clothes.

Frustrated...at so many things and at myself. Why am I not mature enough? Why am I so lazy? Why do I simply spend my money? Why do I sleep late and then regret it in the morning? Why am I not smart? Why do I hate being at home? Why do I hate being around him? Why do I even feel and think like this? Why did the slipped disk had to happen to me? Why can't I resist the temptation of food? Why did I go for operation causing me to not be able to exercise for 9months? Why did this happen when I had just decided to live a more healthier lifestyle? Why? Why?! WHY?!

I don't have the answers. Frustrated and angry and sad and annoyed by myself. All I know is anime. Sleep. Eat. Hang out with friends. People are supposed to get smarter as they grow older, become more hardworking and so on. So WHY am I in a reversed cycle? 

Really, I don't know since when did I started to dislike being at home. Being around him. I want to change but I think the key to that door has been destroyed. Not even sure if it will be able to be opened again. This is troublesome and annoying.  

Dammit. All this thinking is making me 3mo again. やぱり私はダメな人間だ！

日常 Part 2

So bored now. It's 10.09am and I'm at the shop again. Nothing to do and I'm sitting here playing games on my phone... And there isn't many customers too. 

Suddenly I thought of the things that I could be doing if I did not go for the operation (provided that I was healthy) and that somehow I've become more reliant on people other than myself. 

I've always seen myself as an independent person. If possible, I would always try to get things done without asking for others' help. It might be probably I thought that I would burden them by asking them to do things for me. I guess I believed that things done by your own effort is best. 

After the operation, I could not carry anything more than 3kg, cannot bend my back and this made me feel like I was kind of useless. All my friends also was more considerate towards me. Some of them walking slower to meet my pace, helping me to carry my things, offering to let me sit on more comfortable chairs etc. I appreciate their feelings but the fact that I was the cause of it makes me down sometimes... 

Then again, I guess that something like this lets me to be lazy (not that I wasn't lazy before) and actually rely on people for a change. I still think that this handicap is troublesome but in a way I get to have an excuse for not doing things. I get away for being "soft" because of this as I was always that tough. People who don't know would feel weird because I'm becoming like a tofu. 

It's like I cannot be more feminine because they were used to be being more macho. Even I want to be treated like a girl once in awhile. I've been trying my best to change myself into becoming more feminine but I guess habits die hard. I just don't feel like myself when I'm too girly. Plus I think my friends would die of heart attack first anyways.

I always see posts saying don't change yourself and wait for that one person who likes you for who you are to appear. But I feel that a person like this isn't gonna appear anytime soon... That's why I like to relate my life to anime. I guess it's because things can only run so smoothly in animes... Then again, I'm not exactly girlfriend material (physically and mentally) so I guess that's the main reason. Haha...

*sigh* I really hate myself for always thinking about these things but I really cannot help it. The more I try to not think about it, the more I see, hear, feel and sense things that would trigger these thinkings. It really is kind of annoying because I always feel so emo when I think about these things...okay. That's all for today I guess... Heh...

日常 Part 1

Sheesh. I think I am getting lazier by the day. Nothing productive is done besides watching anime. =_= why am I like this? I have no idea. Damn. Getting fatter by the day too. Aaahh. 

However, anime has shown me values that is important and the values are something that cannot be learnt I'm class. Why do humans ponder on trivial things when life is so short? (Ahh... But who am I to say that since I also do that?) Grudges held by parents are brought down and "inherited" by their children. Why should the hate continue? Grudges should stop at the generation that started it. Why should the children be influenced and make them hate the people that did them no wrong? It's like condemning the son of a thief for stealing even though he did not steal. It's the same principle. It's just that people don't think that much about the 1st issue because they feel that it's only natural for children to take revenge for their parents... This is such a wrong concept.

Another thing is that when we were kids, every adult would tell us that honesty is the best policy. Or that lying is bad. As I grow older, I realised that all this is just a front. Telling us not to lie when we were young and then scolding us for not lying as we grow older. All this is so contradicting! What the heck is wrong with the society today you ask? The whole foundation is sick and twisted I say. Of course, with that being said, it's a people eat people world outside of school. So basically you won't even be able to survive without being sneaky... How ironic. 

Recently, I've got a lot of things running through my head. I can almost relate anything that happens in my daily life, from what I see, hear, feel, sense or think, to the animes that I've watched. Who said that anime isn't educational? In fact anime made my brain work, thinking about things that I would not have thought of by myself. 

Of course, this includes the love life as well. Although I doubt that my love life is gonna be as smooth as what I see from the animes where the guys are good looking, polite, humorous gentlemen. Guys like those are probably extinct or if they even existed, they'd probably found their equivalent partners already. But hey, a girl can dream can't she? *Sigh* Even I would like to be swept off my feet by a guy who likes me for me, and of course I have to like this guy as well. But the main challenge for me is that I don't know how to determine if I really like this guy or if its just an urge of the moment. Goodness. I'm hopeless.... =_=

Okay. I think I've rant too much... Am at the shop while typing this.... Gosh what is that smell??? Can't find the source...I knew it! There's a dead rat!!!

Fantasies...

Ahhh... Since when did i become so lazy? It seems that recently I've become so lazy to do anything. No motivation, no energy, no enthusiasm, no drive to do anything except just lazing in bed watching anime. Gawd. No wonder I am getting fatter and fatter by the second. =_=

Anyways, I have finally followed Skip Beat! manga until the latest chapter. This manga never cease to make me stop admiring the characters especially Kyoko with her perseverance, her hidden talents and her "dumb" lucks? Haha... To top it off, she is a Capricorn! XD Maybe I should make her one of my inspiration! I like the KyoRen (Kyoko x Ren) combination too! Whats more, Ren is an Aquarius! This combination is just like a real life couple that I know! Ahhh... So sweet!

After reading the manga, it makes me excited and I actually feel like I want to try to act and look like someone that's not me but is me at the same time! Haha... Her character from switched from Mio Hongo (scary and twisted) to Natsu (charismatic but also scary and twisted) to Setsu (looks like a delinquent but at the same time, sexy, hot, daring and playfully naughty) makes it so exhilarating that I wanna try to do that! Oh my goodness.... I am beginning to fantasize again. It feels so cool to be her! But then I don't think I have what it takes...

Recently I realized that (not sure since when) I started building a barrier around myself. I try not to say anything unnecessary and blend into the background. I am not sure of the reason too! Its like I'm trying to block out my family members...it feels as if I'm like an empty shell at home! It's like I am making them ignore me... I don't know how to be that type of daughter that is able to speak freely at home anymore...maybe its because I feel that its awkward? Haih... I don't really know what to do anymore...

What am I going to do with my life? It's like I am wasting my life but I have no direction...Not even sure if taking this course was the right choice or not. Not sure what am I going to do when I graduate, not sure why I am acting like this, not sure about my love life (Not that i have any anyways...), not sure about my leadership skills, not sure about anything anymore.... It's so depressing!!! Tonight is one of those days when I just feel like I feel into a dark pit....Sooo emo! Dammit! What am I doing?! Gonna continue watching Skip Beat! anime to cheer me up!

Exhausting...

Just had my second paper today. Tired but relieved, not because I did well but because its one paper less to worry about. Read manga when I got home to release stress then slept. Only had 3 hours of sleep last night. Then I got nagged for sleeping whole day. =_=

Anyways, the reason I'm blogging is cause I just feel tired mentally from almost everything...except for my animes. LOL... Just kidding. I mean from this complicated thing called life. All these stupid and insignificant things that makes a person worry. I am so exhausted trying to waste my energy trying to explain some things that people don't even try to listen and understand after all the explanation. Instead they just deny what I'm saying by using either a louder voice or not letting me explain at all. Even when they are the ones asking for an explanation! It's like I was deemed to be wrong right from the start!

I saw this story about a monk asking his disciple why 2 people who are quarreling must raise their voices. His disciple said because they were angry. But the monk said something that really made me think. He asked the same question again. He then explained that why do they need to raise their voices when they are so close? It's not like both sides will not be able to hear what the other is saying if they did not raise their voices. The reason they are doing this is because the distance to their hearts have gotten further. That's why that shout to cover the distance. It really does make sense. I like this story. I am trying not to raise my voice whenever I'm upset but I just can't seem to control myself. I hate being like this.

I have finally found that someone other than 'R' who I can really relate with. 'J' is the reason that I think back and wonder how would I have made it this far in Uni without her help. I really really appreciate what she's done. For all the things that she's helped me with, I don't even know how to thank her. I think so far, she's the only other person who has almost the same thoughts of the explaining part. She thinks its tiring too. Ahhh....finally someone who I can share it with. And I think she will be the only person who I'll be able to talk about really anything. I think her position would even surpass 'R' because although I really open up to him, I just realised that there are somethings that even I would feel embarrassed to tell. I feel much at ease when telling 'J'. I'm just glad and thankful that I have good friends who will be there for me when I need them and even at times when I don't need them. I think they are the reason why I'm still able to move on...as a human being. Thank God!