Drama OR Real Life

It's been so long since I've blogged. Just felt like putting this in my blog cause I was kinda embarrassed when I wanted to say this in a conversation. I think I stopped blogging was because I was lazy and I kinda lost my purpose to blog. I started this blog with things I wanted to say to him and the memories I had of him. I guess when I blogged about it, it gives me a chance to relive the moment. Even if it was just a one - sided thing.

A week ago, I heard that they broke up but the next day they were acting like nothing happened. I was so tempted to ask her why he didn't show up at first but I'm glad I didn't. He appeared at the end of the session and the two of them was still as friendly with each other like always. Honestly, I wanted to know if they really broke up and stuff but I guess not knowing is better right?? Thank God I didn't ask.

I guess at times like this Korean dramas really helps. I don't know if my situation actually contributed to my addiction to Korean dramas but it traps me in an unreal world where I put myself in the shoes of the main female protagonist and lose my way of coming back to reality.

You know the only one thing I hate about watching this kind of drama even though I LOVE watching it?? Its making me feel as if something that happened to the heroine of the drama would actually happen to me. Like in BOF, Ji Hoo always appeared when Jan Di is sad and hurt. He is always there to comfort her. Makes me think how nice it would be if there was some one like that for me. It is kinda impossible for some one like me cause I'm so not the typical girl a guy would like.

I've always prepared myself with the thought that I'd be alone till I die. Haha. Seeing that my love life does kinda suck..okay, correction, It SUCKS. Alot. Haih. I dunno why Im suddenly so emotional. I hate this feeling. Why can't I just live life like it is? God help me. Relieve me of this feeling so I can feel alive again!

Its Time.

Heck. I really think it is time. Time for me to just give up. If it was going to work, it would have worked a long time ago. Decided this after the D gang walked to Russ' relative's place for dinner. It hurts like hell but I think this is for the better good. For me and for them.

Ling, Shir and me went to Ipoh Kopitiam and I suddenly told them I've decided to just give up. Ling might be right. She said I might have just told myself that I like him but actually I don't like him. Shirley began lecturing me about how a guy like him, even if he likes me, would not be of any good cause of his moves. I don't think I can stand seeing them that intimate in front of me anymore. I wanna tell them so they'd know and stop doing that but it is their right to do whatever hell they want where ever and when ever they want.

Now...come to think about it. I might have just fitted in the group cause I can drive. I don't mean that the others are using me but the way HE puts it makes me feel that Im just "wanted" cz I could drive them around when He is lazy. I guess I don't mind driving them around but I guess the truth really hurts. Its not like he wants to see me so he asks me to drive. Its just a person more to help him send the others back. I don't find sending them back troublesome. Just....don't say it like that.

Maybe I should take up my mum's offer to go to KL. I might be able to forget all this easier. If I could go to Australia it would be EVEN better!!! Russell can bring me everywhere and we can have hungry jacks and talk till the moon turns blue. T_T

I pray that God will give me the strength to forget about all this. Being with the lot is real fun, just that everytime I see them so lovey - dovey, I can't help feeling that jab in my chest and the vines of jealousy just creeps up and suffocates my heart. Never felt this way before. So if Ling is right, WHY do I feel this way?

OKAY!! ENOUGH OF MY CRAP!!! STUDY MODE SWITCHED ON!! NO MORE THINKING OF THIS NEGATIVE THOUGHT!!!! FIGHTO!!!! GANBATTE!!! I CAN DO THIS. ACE MY FINALS AND THEN I CAN 3MO ALL I WANT WITH FLYING COLOURS!!! 4HD'S!!!!!!! WHOO HOO!!!!

Him & Her.

Haih. Just when I thought things were starting to go my way. Just when I got my hopes up. Everything just collapses. I'm trying so hard to accept the fact that they will be together sooner or later. So why did she have to tell me that he told her that he didn't like her?? Well...I'm partly at fault for asking but that isn't the point.

Ever since after that day she told me about that, she has been throwing herself all over him like nothing happened. I'm beginning to think that it probably did not happen or it did just that she interpreted what he said wrongly. Hooking her arms over his, holding hands while walking. I admit I feel a tinge of jealousy when I see them...They are practically a couple already so why, WHY won't they go official already!? Although I know that it will hurt like hell but. I think if that happened, I'd get over this and recover faster from this hell hole.

Yesterday, all of us went out and just hanging out together. Played truth or dare. He kissed her. Before that, he buried me with pillows and after that he snatched my pillows. When I asked " Why u bury me with the pillows and now you want to snatch them?!" He answered "Not snatching, just wanna kacau you." I'm probably just thinking too much cause he is a guy, and guys just love to disturb people for no reason but I nevertheless I felt happy at the time.

Today...we were hanging out at Uni again. I lay on the small "hill" looking at the blue sky that was so calming and soothing while he kept pestering me to go to the lobby cause he was feeling hot. I asked them to go in first and I'd follow them later but in the end everyone stayed on the hill. Then it was sorta like a photo - taking session. The 2 of them were sorta lovey - dovey. She sat on his knees and I just looked away and pretended not to see. Before this, I've always seen her sitting on his lap, him sitting on her lap, him lying on her lap and her lying on his. I've always pretended not to notice and either just look away or do something to occupy myself. But this time, pictures were taken and uploaded. V is right. The pictures really have the 'feel'. Very sweet. So why am I so emo right now? I hate myself for this.

Why did I think so highly of myself? Thinking that I would actually have a shot at this? Stupid! BAKA! This is not Kimi ni Todoke! I am not Sawako and he ain't Shota! But I can't help myself. It really really hurts when I see them or the pictures. I don't even know myself anymore. I need Russell to come back cause I have so much to tell and release all this stupid things bottled up in me. Hope June arrives soon. T_T

Randomness....

Today is Good Friday. And I realised that I'm the one making my own life complicated. In fact, I'm making it more complicated as I blog!

I know life isn't easy. And I guess I learnt that the hard way. Going to work as a part - timer in an audit firm DOES NOT help in making my life any easier. + Degree really sucks the life out of me. Then there's the HIM & HER situation. Haiz...

I know that things ain't gonna work out for me but I still wanna go out with the D gang (ask me if U wanna noe what's D gang). I guess its still because of him? I just can't get over it yet. BUT I feel so fake around her. I keep smiling and teasing her with him even when I just want to turn around and leave. I guess its still my fault because she does not know that I like him too.

Russ keeps telling me to leave her and have nothing to do with her but I don't know why I still have that wanting to be around her. Probably because of him too? I think its because of her that the distance between me & him is getting shorter but just as normal friends.

Hah! I wanted to know him better before I made any moves but I guess its just a little too late. Guess I can still use this opportunity to know him. Even if its just as a friend.

Bleh.

Special Post For Them Special People in my Life ^^

This post is dedicated to 2 of my bestest best friends in my life.

To Sam, my best friend since primary school. I remember that I called you "Se-mata" in primary 2. I don't remember how we became best friends but i'm glad we did. Because of you, I got to listen to Britney Spears. Remember how we'd sing her songs in class, during recess and even when we're going down the stairs? Because of you, I found Harry Potter. I still remember when I lost my prefect tie and I called you and cried about it. And then there's that other time where I called you because I coughed up bloody saliva. That was funny now I look back at it.

Happy Belated Birthday Girl!! Don't know how I'd make it if I never met you. Thank You for everything! I love you. =)

The second part is to my other bestest best guy friend who is currently in Melbourne. He's a sweet, talented guy without a temper. He's someone who I can pour all my secrets into and he'll just listen and give advice. He really is the "Super Star" who gets all the special attention in our group.

I've found him to be a quiet boy back in primary school and my mum said that he looked like Harry Potter. He really does! When he was younger. Now more handsome dyy. (Just to make you happy since it is your birthday. XD) I want to thank you too for being there for me when I needed to talk about "him". Did I mention that you give good advice? Thanks a bunch. Thanks for ever having a crush on me. Never thought that guys would ever like a girl like me but you made my day with that post of yours. 1st time ever to read a post and cry. I really feel honored.

Here, I wanna wish you Happy Birthday, Good Luck and God Bless!! Am missing you lots!

XOXO, Angelina. MUAKS y'all!

It's a start

Remember I the time I would rant on about him and thinking that things would never go my way?

Well, today it did! Had a 3.30pm lecture and I slept till 12pm. I'm a pig. =_= Never mind that.

After I called my dad asking him to send me to school, I got a call from Jerome and he asked if I was free tonight? The drama gang was going for a movie and he was going. I didn't even asked my parents and I said yes.

Went there and was kinda late and the first person to see me was "him". I was actually apologizing for being late by using sign language but I think he thought I was waving because he waved at me. LOL. It was nothing really but way better than Harry Potter 7 because this time he was sitting 2 seats from my right. I could hear his voice and see his hands.(Don't know why but I recognized his hands when I saw them.)

The movie felt kinda long and after we finished the movie, every one went home. I'm glad I listened to Jerome because he asked me to park outside. I did and "he" was following Jerome's car home. Although it was just a really short walk to the car park, it made me happy(the feeling is hard to explain). I talked the most, ranting on and on, followed by Jerome's occasional laugh plus "his" silence. Finally, we part ways as I reached my car first. I said bye and Jerome replied the same. Then, "he" also said bye too! I turned to answer the same and I saw his smile. Almost melted! @_@ I said bye and when I got in the car I did a little squeal. I have no idea where that came from but it was all good.

Russ, you do give good advice. Get close to his friends. Lucky me because Jerome is already my friend. =P Like you said, this is a good start.

The Irony.

I think I'm going mad soon. Or maybe I already am. Geez~

Went to Uni as usual and when it ended, I was at block B waiting for my car. Two of my friends, Chloe and Kim came over and we chatted a while. I thought my mum was not coming so soon and we went to the cafeteria because Chloe wanted to grab something to eat. When we almost reached the cafeteria, I turned and said, "Please don't tell me I walked all the way here just to receive a phone call from my mum telling me that she's here." The 3 of us just laughed. As soon as I stepped out of Block G, my phone rang, and Chloe had a shocked expression when she said, "Don't tell me that's your mum?" AND guess what? It was! Exactly as I said. As I walked back to the main entrance, Kim said: "Angie, next time, don't jinx yourself!" Come to think of it, it was kinda funny.

Then I reached the outside of Block B where my car was waiting and when I was about to reach my car, another car stopped beside mine. I thought I was imagining stuff and it was HIM!! I actually deliberately put my backpack in the car first so I could buy a little time and somewhere in me I was hoping he would notice me. But... he didn't. ='( As I sat in the car, I actually took note of his car and the car plate number. =___= I am so sick! 4 numbers that are stuck in my head but I think I've jumbled them up...8497...Why?!

I did wish to at least see him once everyday but now I'm getting greedy.

This is so confusing!

Fate or Coincidence?

Last day of MPW and the commencement of degree. I'll just fast forward to the part where I was late for my supposed to be 2nd lecture but actually was my first because I had to skip the actual 1st lecture to sit for the Moral exam. LOL. That was a long and quite confusing sentence.

So, after the exam I went home and then I watched Bleach & One Piece. I even made a mental note so I'll get to Uni earlier. Apparently, even my brain too was hypnotized by the anime I was watching because it altered my eyes so when I looked at the clock, I saw that it was still way too early to go. Suddenly, my mum yelled and asked : "Ana! Lu bo tak chek hia???" I was so full of myself at the time and I answered : "4.30pm la!" She said: "Lu si siaw ha? Si diam pua chut liao!" And I was like OMG! So I rushed and my mum asked me to drive since it was just an hour lecture.

When I reached, I saw him! He had that cute expression on his face and for a moment there I thought he either recognized my car or actually saw me. I seriously thought of waving to him but luckily I caught myself before I did. It would be so embarrassing if I waved and he just frowned or if he did not see me. =___= Besides, I was too busy acting cool blasting music in the car. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I WAVE??? IDIOT!? What's life without taking chances? I regret it so much now. ='( My hand was coming up but my brain was trying to control and stop my body from doing what it was doing by instinct. My brain won the war and left me regretting about it.

But, just getting a glimpse of him made my heart skip a beat and I smiled for no reason like an idiot after I took a right turning. I did not dare to even look at the rear view mirror because I think if I did, I'd have crashed into the signs and cones at the side of the road. Pitiful huh.

I did think of seeing him today since it is the commencement of degree but I tried to not put my hopes up because every time I do, I just get disappointed more. I wanna dedicate this song to anyone reading this and HIM... Though I know he won't be reading this.

Kimi Ni Todoke by May

Here's the link. I can't upload the video. =____=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEvX1EhBN0E&feature=related

Douka ima dake wa furimukanaide

Yuugure sawagu kaze fure sou na kyori

Kimi wo mitsumeteru zutto

Kimi ni todoke kimi ni todoke

Kanawanai koi de mo ii kizutsuite mo ii

Nan do demo tsutaetai

Kimi ga suki de kimi ga suki de

Nemurenai yoru demo ii

Asa ga konakute mo ii

Nan do demo tsutaetai kimi ni todoke

Kyou mo omoide ga hitotsu fueteku

Tame iki tame rai sae itoshii kurai

Kimi wo matte ita zutto

Kimi ni todoke kimi ni todoke

Kanawanai koi de mo ii

Kizutsuite mo ii

Nan do demo tsutaetai

Kimi ga suki de kimi ga suki de

Nemurenai yoru demo ii

Asa ga konakute mo ii

Nan do demo tsutaetai kimi ni todoke

Kimi ni todoke kimi ni todoke

Kanawanai koi de mo ii

Kizutsuite mo ii

Nan do demo tsutaetai

Kimi ga suki de kimi ga suki de

Nemurenai yoru demo ii

Asa ga konakute mo ii

Nan do demo tsutaetai kimi ni todoke

Translation

Please, just for now, please don't turn around

The evening, the rustling wind, the distance of us nearly touching
I could keep looking at you, forever
I'm reaching to you, I'm reaching to you
Even an unrequited love would be fine, to get hurt too would be fine
No matter how many times, I want to tell you
I like you, I like you
Even sleepless nights would be fine,

If morning didn't come it would be fine

No matter how many times, I want to tell you,

I'm reaching to you

Today too, my memories of you increase

Your sigh, even if it's only a hesitation, is still dear to me

I have waited for you, forever

I'm reaching to you, I'm reaching to you

Even an unrequited love would be fine,

To get hurt too would be fine

No matter how many times, I want to tell you

I like you, I like you

Even sleepless nights would be fine,

If morning didn't come it would be fine

No matter how many times, I want to tell you,

I'm reaching to you

I'm reaching to you, I'm reaching to you

Even an unrequited love would be fine,

To get hurt too would be fine

No matter how many times, I want to tell you

I like you, I like you

Even sleepless nights would be fine,

If morning didn't come it would be fine

No matter how many times, i want to tell you,

I'm reaching to you…

P.S :This was supposed to be posted yesterday, 21st of Feb but there was technical errors so here it is...

Gone Are The Days...

Just came back from the airport after sending my bestest best friend off. His original 6am flight was cancelled and replaced with a 5.30pm flight. And to think I only had 3 hours of sleep just to make sure I send him off. LOL. I've started to miss him already. You come back for 2 months and after I get use to you being here physically you got to leave again...Life kinda sucks when that happens. But we'll see each other again. Soon. I hope.

Thinking back, I miss those days when all of us would just sit in class and talk. We always have silly things and experiences to talk about and share with each other. Whenever we get together, we usually stray away from the main topic. From "where are are going this afternoon", we could end up talking about what someone else's dog likes to eat and still have no idea where to go in the afternoon. I'm gonna REALLY miss these times.

Wen says that she won't be able to go out anymore because of her STPM coming up and as for me, I guess you going away is kinda a good thing now because now I can seriously concentrate on my health plan!!! NO MORE outside foods! I'll replace my meals twice a day starting tomorrow! I've also got to start saving money so I can go to KL and work on that business opportunity that allows me to go to JAPAN!!! NIHON WO MATE KUDASAI!!! I pray that I'm gonna be someone new and better when you come back! Perhaps an Audi R8 or a BMW Z4?? Haha...

I'm so tired now...Guess I'll go for a nap...=D

Regrets. . .

Was stalking again...I'm really starting to think that I'm crazy. I know that he does not go online so often but I still take my chances to catch him online. Well...that didn't go so well. I should have taken up her offer for today's job. I guess crying over spilt potion isn't gonna be of any use but I need to say it to someone or express this feeling somewhere.

Recently, I feel that I've been relying on you too much and I think it must really hurt when you're pretending to be alright and giving advice when you aren't all right. That's why I'm trying to not bother you over really insignificant things like these by blogging rather than texting you. & I obviously can't text him either. I sometimes wonder if I was being insensitive when I keep telling you about him when you feel hurt over her. I'm sorry but I felt that I needed to tell someone and you were the one I was comfortable enough to talk about the subject.

Going back to the stalking, I saw some new photos uploaded and I decided to browse through. I would have actually meet him if I had taken up her offer!! ='(

AND to think i was the one who gave up that opportunity!!

I really want to know him better. He has NOTHING written in his info and he didn't even put his birthday! I've only dared to text him thrice. The 1st was using an excuse to say Happy New Year. The 2nd time was to ask about MPW by sending the message to two people so it wouldn't seem suspicious or weird I guess? And the 3rd one was to ask about degree results! (Not to mention that the alcohol that probably was still in my body helped to boost my courage) OMG! I feel so stupid right now. He probably thinks I'm some kind of a annoying and irritating freak who keeps texting him for no reason. Really, WHAT was I thinking?! I think I'm not that much of a friend to him that he would consider texting me for fun.

I should stop this but I just can't help it. ='C

God? Someone? Help me? Please??

It's the Weekends!

Before I forget, I'm gonna abandon my old blog and start using this one because the old one was getting too messy. XD

Finally! It's Friday. The last day of the most unbearable week of MPW lessons. And to think that I still have 5 more weeks to endure! This morning's Moral studies drained the last of my effort to stay awake in class. It was basically taught by a human female version of Professor Binns from Harry Potter who teaches History of Magic at Hogwarts. She just kept droning the whole lecture. To top it off, she looked like she was talking in her sleep. She seems like a nice lady but the way she teaches really sucks the life out of me.

To kill time, I texted Russ asking him if he has a way to stay awake in class and his reply was "Just sleep lah!".=.=lll So, I took out my headset and listened to music on my phone. After a few text messages I looked up from my phone and saw the slide showing on the screen. The last few sentences was an example of the lecture and it read:
i.e: come to class on time and to pay attention instead of talking, playing or sleeping while the lecturer is teaching.
When I saw this, I felt a pang of guilt...it was like it was a sign from God asking me to pay attention. I guess I'll sleep earlier and try my best not to be hypnotized into falling asleep by her voice.

Well, at least I did get something useful from this morning's lecture.
She said: "Holding a person's hand is the best way to show them you care."
It really is true.
Parents hold their child's hand to keep them out of harm's way.
Friends hold hands to show that they'll always be there for each other.
Couples hold hands to make each other feel secure.
(Well, for as long as they're together, I guess...)
So, next time you want someone to feel that you care, just hold their hands.

The music I'm listening to now really suits this "holding hands" moment. I recommend Personal Taste's OST. Its a Korean romantic comedy and its really nice to watch. (For me. =D) Listening to this suddenly makes me miss EL. Maybe I might just take up Russell's advice and ask him out or something. Better to try than to regret not trying. Right? But...I wonder if I have enough courage to do it. HYH and DK aint in Kuching and he might feel awkward with my friends. Maybe I should wait til everyone is back. I hope I'll see him soon. =P