日常 Part 2

So bored now. It's 10.09am and I'm at the shop again. Nothing to do and I'm sitting here playing games on my phone... And there isn't many customers too. 

Suddenly I thought of the things that I could be doing if I did not go for the operation (provided that I was healthy) and that somehow I've become more reliant on people other than myself. 

I've always seen myself as an independent person. If possible, I would always try to get things done without asking for others' help. It might be probably I thought that I would burden them by asking them to do things for me. I guess I believed that things done by your own effort is best. 

After the operation, I could not carry anything more than 3kg, cannot bend my back and this made me feel like I was kind of useless. All my friends also was more considerate towards me. Some of them walking slower to meet my pace, helping me to carry my things, offering to let me sit on more comfortable chairs etc. I appreciate their feelings but the fact that I was the cause of it makes me down sometimes... 

Then again, I guess that something like this lets me to be lazy (not that I wasn't lazy before) and actually rely on people for a change. I still think that this handicap is troublesome but in a way I get to have an excuse for not doing things. I get away for being "soft" because of this as I was always that tough. People who don't know would feel weird because I'm becoming like a tofu. 

It's like I cannot be more feminine because they were used to be being more macho. Even I want to be treated like a girl once in awhile. I've been trying my best to change myself into becoming more feminine but I guess habits die hard. I just don't feel like myself when I'm too girly. Plus I think my friends would die of heart attack first anyways.

I always see posts saying don't change yourself and wait for that one person who likes you for who you are to appear. But I feel that a person like this isn't gonna appear anytime soon... That's why I like to relate my life to anime. I guess it's because things can only run so smoothly in animes... Then again, I'm not exactly girlfriend material (physically and mentally) so I guess that's the main reason. Haha...

*sigh* I really hate myself for always thinking about these things but I really cannot help it. The more I try to not think about it, the more I see, hear, feel and sense things that would trigger these thinkings. It really is kind of annoying because I always feel so emo when I think about these things...okay. That's all for today I guess... Heh...