好累呀！

It's only the 4th week and I feel like I'm in the 8th week. Have been bombarded by assignments, test, and even more assignments since week 2. Waking up at 3am to make sushi for sale is really taking a toll on me. It feels like my head is gonna drop off any second. It is so difficult to maintain good academics while balancing it out with work.

Final year projects are coming up and now I'm really not sure if I did the right thing by accepting the job offer. This is making me feel so depressed. Feel like crying. But I'm in the library and that would attract alot of attention if I did that. AGRH!!!!! Need to release my stress! Now regretting having volunteered to be the team leader for FYP because I don't know if I am up for the tasks. I feel like a really lousy and useless leader. No time management, don't know how to delegate stuff. I feel like a hopeless blob of nothingness.

This throbbing pain in my head isn't helping the situation either. If I were Misaki, I don't think I'd have to face this kind of problems. Probably. Then again, Misaki does not exist in the real world. SO FRUSTRATING!!! GOD, please help me through these troubled times.

WHY DOES IT NOT FEEL ANY BETTER even after writing this down?? Usually I'd feel so much better after letting it out. 誰かたすけてください・・・　頭が痛い！　泣きたい！　やるべきことがたくさんあります。　も間に合わない！！

Early celebration + disaster

So I just came home from an early celebration with the gang for my 21 birthday. I'm supposed to feel happy but somehow I feel "heavy". I don't want to turn 21 yet because age comes with responsibilities.

Well that isn't why I wanted to blog. The main reason is cz of my BFF n his crush. Not sure if that is even the right term for her. Actually he was supposed to meet her at 10 but I didn't know. Sending me back, he told me about his plan and I saw the text she sent to him. Deep down I felt hurt because I pictured myself in his shoes. I don't know why but I feel really sad when I saw his expression even though I was just looking at him from the side...

So now you understand how I felt that time when I waited up for him till 1am, 2am for 2 nights. And you asked him to apologise for you. If you really were sorry, you could have FB msg me. You've only waited an hour and you're complaining? How can you send something like that to hurt him? It's not his fault anyways. I even apologised to you. So what? My birthday isn't as important as meeting you huh? He must prioritise you first?

I feel so frustrated. Stop acting like a spoilt brat. Just because you missed supper with friends doesn't mean that you can vent your anger at him. If it were up to me, I'd rather you not see him anymore at all. That way he can open his eyes and see that there are so many much better girls out there than you. For hurting him like that. Honestly, I hate you. I can't really say that to your face so I guess this'll have to do.

日常 Part 4

I didn't realise that it's gonna be a new year tomorrow at 12am. Time really flies. Next year, I'm going to be in my final year... I really hope the insurance industry will work out for me... If not I think I'm going to go and be a kindergarten teacher. Maybe in Japan. Haha...

Man... It's so hot and it's torture when I can't have cold drinks. =_= well...if its hot and it'll help me burn off some fat through sweating I'll endure it!! (For how long I don't know though...)

I think I'll go and buy the empty jar and the star paper for the new year. =) gonna write down every thing that made me happy in 2013!! =D

This post was supposed to be posted 3 days ago but I kept forgetting. So here it is... I'll probably post another one later or tomorrow... TTFN!

日常 Part 3

Aaahhh... My stomach hurts. And I feel sleepy. Which equals to me being irritated. Sheesh. So there's plans to sell the house? Heh. Annoying. If I had the money, I think I'd probably move out of the house. 

Okay. Change of topic. Just now my aunt bought some fruit I've never seen before...it's called "tampui" and I sounds like the hokkien's word for potty. Lol. It's meat is yellow and sweet but you can't really eat its meat cause its stuck with the seed. So basically you're just tasting the juice. Haha...

Before that, I had a great catching up time with wen. Aahhh... Talked about crap, guys, academics and life. Haha. It felt good. Feels like a heavy stone was taken off my heart... =') 

So I went out with the guys just now... Went for dinner and played cards. Then I rummaged through his wallet and saw something I shouldn't have seen. Or more like I did not want to see... Damn. It's like striking a needle in my heart when I saw the photo. Why do I feel that way?? Would I feel the same if it was with someone else? Maybe I feel like this because of the person he took the photo with? Not because of me? Sigh... Why do I keep making things complicated for myself? =_=

日常 Part 2.5

To think I already got ready to go out... Spoil my mood. At least I did take a photo that wasn't that bad before changing back into my "at home" clothes.

Frustrated...at so many things and at myself. Why am I not mature enough? Why am I so lazy? Why do I simply spend my money? Why do I sleep late and then regret it in the morning? Why am I not smart? Why do I hate being at home? Why do I hate being around him? Why do I even feel and think like this? Why did the slipped disk had to happen to me? Why can't I resist the temptation of food? Why did I go for operation causing me to not be able to exercise for 9months? Why did this happen when I had just decided to live a more healthier lifestyle? Why? Why?! WHY?!

I don't have the answers. Frustrated and angry and sad and annoyed by myself. All I know is anime. Sleep. Eat. Hang out with friends. People are supposed to get smarter as they grow older, become more hardworking and so on. So WHY am I in a reversed cycle? 

Really, I don't know since when did I started to dislike being at home. Being around him. I want to change but I think the key to that door has been destroyed. Not even sure if it will be able to be opened again. This is troublesome and annoying.  

Dammit. All this thinking is making me 3mo again. やぱり私はダメな人間だ！

日常 Part 2

So bored now. It's 10.09am and I'm at the shop again. Nothing to do and I'm sitting here playing games on my phone... And there isn't many customers too. 

Suddenly I thought of the things that I could be doing if I did not go for the operation (provided that I was healthy) and that somehow I've become more reliant on people other than myself. 

I've always seen myself as an independent person. If possible, I would always try to get things done without asking for others' help. It might be probably I thought that I would burden them by asking them to do things for me. I guess I believed that things done by your own effort is best. 

After the operation, I could not carry anything more than 3kg, cannot bend my back and this made me feel like I was kind of useless. All my friends also was more considerate towards me. Some of them walking slower to meet my pace, helping me to carry my things, offering to let me sit on more comfortable chairs etc. I appreciate their feelings but the fact that I was the cause of it makes me down sometimes... 

Then again, I guess that something like this lets me to be lazy (not that I wasn't lazy before) and actually rely on people for a change. I still think that this handicap is troublesome but in a way I get to have an excuse for not doing things. I get away for being "soft" because of this as I was always that tough. People who don't know would feel weird because I'm becoming like a tofu. 

It's like I cannot be more feminine because they were used to be being more macho. Even I want to be treated like a girl once in awhile. I've been trying my best to change myself into becoming more feminine but I guess habits die hard. I just don't feel like myself when I'm too girly. Plus I think my friends would die of heart attack first anyways.

I always see posts saying don't change yourself and wait for that one person who likes you for who you are to appear. But I feel that a person like this isn't gonna appear anytime soon... That's why I like to relate my life to anime. I guess it's because things can only run so smoothly in animes... Then again, I'm not exactly girlfriend material (physically and mentally) so I guess that's the main reason. Haha...

*sigh* I really hate myself for always thinking about these things but I really cannot help it. The more I try to not think about it, the more I see, hear, feel and sense things that would trigger these thinkings. It really is kind of annoying because I always feel so emo when I think about these things...okay. That's all for today I guess... Heh...

日常 Part 1

Sheesh. I think I am getting lazier by the day. Nothing productive is done besides watching anime. =_= why am I like this? I have no idea. Damn. Getting fatter by the day too. Aaahh. 

However, anime has shown me values that is important and the values are something that cannot be learnt I'm class. Why do humans ponder on trivial things when life is so short? (Ahh... But who am I to say that since I also do that?) Grudges held by parents are brought down and "inherited" by their children. Why should the hate continue? Grudges should stop at the generation that started it. Why should the children be influenced and make them hate the people that did them no wrong? It's like condemning the son of a thief for stealing even though he did not steal. It's the same principle. It's just that people don't think that much about the 1st issue because they feel that it's only natural for children to take revenge for their parents... This is such a wrong concept.

Another thing is that when we were kids, every adult would tell us that honesty is the best policy. Or that lying is bad. As I grow older, I realised that all this is just a front. Telling us not to lie when we were young and then scolding us for not lying as we grow older. All this is so contradicting! What the heck is wrong with the society today you ask? The whole foundation is sick and twisted I say. Of course, with that being said, it's a people eat people world outside of school. So basically you won't even be able to survive without being sneaky... How ironic. 

Recently, I've got a lot of things running through my head. I can almost relate anything that happens in my daily life, from what I see, hear, feel, sense or think, to the animes that I've watched. Who said that anime isn't educational? In fact anime made my brain work, thinking about things that I would not have thought of by myself. 

Of course, this includes the love life as well. Although I doubt that my love life is gonna be as smooth as what I see from the animes where the guys are good looking, polite, humorous gentlemen. Guys like those are probably extinct or if they even existed, they'd probably found their equivalent partners already. But hey, a girl can dream can't she? *Sigh* Even I would like to be swept off my feet by a guy who likes me for me, and of course I have to like this guy as well. But the main challenge for me is that I don't know how to determine if I really like this guy or if its just an urge of the moment. Goodness. I'm hopeless.... =_=

Okay. I think I've rant too much... Am at the shop while typing this.... Gosh what is that smell??? Can't find the source...I knew it! There's a dead rat!!!