T.I.S.

This morning was him, now it's her?! WTF. No remote to come in so I climbed the wall. Told her and I got scolded. So its my fault for not taking the remote. Last time I took it I tiok cheng! Said I didn't gao dai that I go out. So WTF did I leave the note on the table for? Said that i think im an Adult already so move out! Not that I contribute anything in this house. Fk this shit. If I knew this was gonna happen I shouldn't have did the laundry even. This thought was lingering in my mind for some time dy. Maybe it's time for me to move. Or time for me to just die. Nothing is gonna change anyways since I'm always never at home. Stay at home say I don't exercise. Go out swimming n do martial arts say I'm never at home. Just because You didn't see doesn't mean that I did not do the fking chores. It just means tht I don't like to be seen. No pocket money so I need to work la.Dammit. That's y I'm always never at home! Always said that u want something, earn yourself. And now I'm the one whos wrong? If there's a steady flow of pocket money every month, there won't be this situation. I'm fking trying to cut Ur fking expenses by trying my best not to get money from u. I'm asking too much. I'm the worst kind of my kind huh. I guess I am. Well tough luck. Probably you'd be better off giving me up for adoption. I wonder if I should just disappear. It would make everyone's life so much more easier.

憎しみ

你以为这样威胁我，我就会屈服了吗？ 从现在开始我会更加讨厌你。什么都可以讲，你偏偏要扯到没关系的人？ 要骂要打就冲着我来！ 说人家没家教，你牵连到没关系的人，根本不知道发生什么事的人，你更没家教。我觉得我们的关系永远都不会进步了。有变化也只会往坏的方面进展。就这样，是你，把距离拉得更远！

今はわかっている

今はちょっと君の感じをわかています。あの子は時々口が悪いね。むかしはそんな話はしていますけど、私何も誰にも言わなかった。とにかく、今私も君の感じをよくわかっています。 今はも寝ます。

Payphone...plans made for 2?

How I wish that I have someone that will hold my hand like in the dramas that I've watched...comfort me when I am down, hug me when he knows that a hug is all I need to brighten up my day. But then there is always that question that pops up... How do I know that I really like him or if he is the one? Wanna try to properly go out on a date and have fun but i guess the time has not come yet. Always afraid that I'm not ready but I keep on wanting someone who knows me for me. Understands me without having me to say so. God please help me to stop these feelings from overflowing. I keep having these feelings but I dont know where to direct them to. I hate this feeling!! I feel like an idiot. Help.... T_T Makes me Emo for no reason sometimes. Ugh. Am I some kind of teen who just reached puberty? I'm turning 21 soon for goodness sake and I still feel confused over this kind of stuff. Pathetic. Damn. 誰か、助けてください？

Desperate?

Love to watch all these romance animes and dramas from Japan and Korea. It makes me feel alive somehow but it also makes me feel lifeless sometimes. I keep hoping and telling myself that my prince would come one day soon but when it it gonna happen? I think I am really desperate. =X Why do I even feel this way? Because of my raging hormones? Or is it because I'm just jealous of my friends who have actually been in love or a relationship before? I don't even know how to define liking a person and I don't want something like the first time happening again . Maybe I'm destined to be alone...Sen at my work place I found that I'm not that socialiable compared to another colleague .

I want to take things slowly and let things unfold by themselves one at a time but I keep wanting everything to happen faster. I think I am really an impatient person.

Constant change

Wow... Its been so long since I've been here. Every thing has changed so much. The layout is so different, just like how my surroundings are getting more and more different. Just when I thought I do not need to express myself here anymore, somethings happen. I'm not sure who I can talk to because even I am not sure what am I confused or what I wanna talk about.

I have been very emotional lately and I don't know the reason. Lonely? I'm not sure. Angry? About what? I don't know. Sad? I have no idea why. Everything is so damn confusing. That KL incident that caused a crack in our friendships, I sometimes hoped it had never happened. One less friend I can talk to.

Today I realized that I actually am a very selfish person. I want the people around me to be mine and mine only. Most of my closest friends are leaving Kuching soon. I don't know why but I feel like crying when I heard that. We were always very busy so even when we're in Kuching, we seldom go out. But when I found out that they'll be leaving, I got this heart wrenching feeling. Maybe Im just being jealous that Im still here and not out there. I hate this feeling.

Him too. I think he found someone new. I should be happy for him I guess, but somehow I'm not and I'm not sure why. Is it because I don't really like the girl? Somewhere in me I knew this day would eventually come but I didn't think it'll be this vexing. It feels like we are drifting apart. When we were talking this afternoon, he also noticed that I didn't look at him when I talked. It was more like I couldn't. I think I was afraid that if I looked at him I might cry or something.

What the hell is wrong with me? I don't know how to tell anyone about this. The only person that I could talk to about this kind of stuff and not feel uncomfortable was him. Now...I guess that option is not avaliable anymore....

Drama OR Real Life

It's been so long since I've blogged. Just felt like putting this in my blog cause I was kinda embarrassed when I wanted to say this in a conversation. I think I stopped blogging was because I was lazy and I kinda lost my purpose to blog. I started this blog with things I wanted to say to him and the memories I had of him. I guess when I blogged about it, it gives me a chance to relive the moment. Even if it was just a one - sided thing.

A week ago, I heard that they broke up but the next day they were acting like nothing happened. I was so tempted to ask her why he didn't show up at first but I'm glad I didn't. He appeared at the end of the session and the two of them was still as friendly with each other like always. Honestly, I wanted to know if they really broke up and stuff but I guess not knowing is better right?? Thank God I didn't ask.

I guess at times like this Korean dramas really helps. I don't know if my situation actually contributed to my addiction to Korean dramas but it traps me in an unreal world where I put myself in the shoes of the main female protagonist and lose my way of coming back to reality.

You know the only one thing I hate about watching this kind of drama even though I LOVE watching it?? Its making me feel as if something that happened to the heroine of the drama would actually happen to me. Like in BOF, Ji Hoo always appeared when Jan Di is sad and hurt. He is always there to comfort her. Makes me think how nice it would be if there was some one like that for me. It is kinda impossible for some one like me cause I'm so not the typical girl a guy would like.

I've always prepared myself with the thought that I'd be alone till I die. Haha. Seeing that my love life does kinda suck..okay, correction, It SUCKS. Alot. Haih. I dunno why Im suddenly so emotional. I hate this feeling. Why can't I just live life like it is? God help me. Relieve me of this feeling so I can feel alive again!